Dear Eric: For the past 10 years, my husband and I have enjoyed dining out with a couple of our friends, always splitting the check evenly.
Recently, we embraced sobriety and no longer consume the expensive drinks that significantly add to the bill. Despite this, we continue to split the check evenly, which doesn't seem quite fair.
We value our friendship and enjoy our time together, but we are unsure how to approach this topic. We don’t want to look cheap, but we also want to be fair. Is it weird, rude or impolite to request that we each pay for our own meals and drinks moving forward?
— Sober Diner
Diner: Ten years of shared bills is a long time. At a certain point, splitting the check stops being about the money and starts being a gesture of mutual good will.
So, this about-face may feel like it’s coming out of nowhere for your friends. It’s also likely to bring up other possible inequities and invite “nickel and diming” into your meals. Did your friends once order only soup and salad while you dined on steak? Was that unfair? How much was the blue-plate special? Who ordered “gratuity”?
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If this is affecting your sobriety or your friendship, you should say something. I wouldn’t frame it using “fairness” — that way is littered with nickels and dimes. Tell them that though you’ve made this change in your lives, you still love dining with them. Tell them you’d rather not pay for alcohol. This should be easy for them to understand.
Dear Eric: I had a conversation with some pals and disclosed that I am biased against seriously overweight people. I am talking about people who are so overweight they must use scooters to get from their car to anywhere. They are so overweight they are often afflicted with Type 2 diabetes. They have to take medication to moderate their excess fluids.
I am disgusted when seeing overweight actors in commercials and television shows. I disagree with the normalization of being overweight. I believe it is not healthy or something noble.
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I myself am moderately overweight (5-6, 180 pounds), and I hate it. I had a professional career in the entertainment industry and fought my weight the entire time. The times I weighed less I got hired for more work. And I feel better and can function better when I weigh less.
So am I the jerk?
— Sizing Up Others
Sizing: Yes, but …
YES. Why are you thinking so much about other people's bodies? When people complain about fatness they like to state that obesity is an epidemic. But unless you're an epidemiologist, I'm not sure what you're adding to the conversation.
Taking offense to another person's size is a waste of time.
BUT: You are part of a culture and an industry that has taught you to hate fatness and to see being overweight as a moral failing. This is not your fault. No one is immune. A couple of years ago, celebrity rapper Cardi B received an Instagram comment from a fan who speculated she was pregnant. Cardi B shot back that she was not pregnant at the time and added “Let me fat in peace.” What a phrase!
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I don't think your disgust is really about these strangers you see on commercials. It's about yourself. You've been taught by casting directors and ads that if you look a certain way, you'll be more well-liked and more well-off. Of course you'd come to resent any weight gain.
If you work on loving and accepting yourself more, you'll be happier, and other people's weight would bother you less. This is easier said than done, of course, but it's important work.
Are you, at your core, a jerk? I don't think so. Go in peace (at whatever size works for you).
Dear Eric: Having just read your column in the Boulder Daily Camera, I am inspired to write. Please discontinue the use of the phrase “rule of thumb.” Its origin is, I believe, from colonial days when it was legal for a man to beat his wife with a stick no larger than the circumference of his thumb. I point this out whenever I hear it and most people are unaware of its origin.
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Reader: Thank you so much for this education. Your letter prompted me to do some digging around. The phrase does have a complicated history of which I was unaware.
From what I've read, it predates colonial times. Some sources say its origin is in the measuring of buildings or cloth. The usage you put forth is also frequently cited, though there is no evidence it is directly connected to any law sanctioning or directing the application of marital abuse.
Either way, words and phrases often take on lives of their own. As someone who loves clarity and good communication, I won’t use it again.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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